It’s three years today since Toby died. I hate to even write those words. I am on holiday on The Isles of Scilly. I am staying on a tiny island called Brhyer where over every hill is a deserted, white sandy beach, glinting with diamond dust. The views are breathtaking and I have never felt closer to heaven on earth. So I couldn’t be in a better place to remember Toby and reflect on my life since he went away, my life now and a future that beckons.
Coming here this week was a conscious choice. I decided after the first heart wrenching, gut churning, tortuous first anniversary that I would do something special for this week every year from now on to honour my son, to remember him and to honour my grief as a mother.
So here I am. Alone with my little dog Elfie who has been my salvation. It is everything I wanted. Solitude to sit and just be and remember my son. Beauty and peace to heal my heart and soul, and happiness which gives me hope for the future.
i feel blessed to be able to come here, I am staying at a really nice hotel. I feel blessed to live the life I do, and I am looking forward to a whole new future starting in September when I go to University
So looking back, I would never have imagined I would be here writing these words on that dark day on 10th July 2011.
I miss you Toby, more than you will ever know, and I will never forget you or stop missing you, but look at me, I’m getting on with life, you would want me to I know.
I wonder where I’ll be next year, rest in peace my beautiful boy. IALY
Losing a child to Suicide 
Anne- you have such inner strength. It’s good to see your post, especially in such a serene, beautiful place as you describe. And so good that you have Elfie with you, for comfort! I am quite sure Toby would be so proud of his ” mum”. Toby, like my son, Shane, who exited his life of 25 yrs, almost 30 months ago, did not want us to suffer as they somehow, for whatever factors each felt beyond overwhelmed with at that time, could not stay with us, on earth. I hope that the love you will always have for Toby, and his love for you as he shared with you, lifts you up today. I’d like to share a quote I recently came across with you – say not in grief ” he is no more but live in thankfulness that he was”. I’m thinking of you, and Toby on July 10th.
From your friend and another mom, across the pond, that truly knows your pain. Lori
This is beautiful. xx
Your posts truly touched me. I have not yet reached that place of peace….but I am getting there slowly. My beautiful gentle 28 year old son left this world one year ago. Sometimes I feel that I am doing well and other times the grief overwhelms me. I know he didn’t want to cause us such pain. He left us a very long note telling us he knew he could probably get through this with our support as he had in the past but he simply didn’t want to struggle any more. My heart was shattered into a million pieces. He actually believed that he was being a coward by leaving this world instead of going on. Your posts give me hope that things will get better.