Anniversaries creep up on you like a stalker slowly closing in. I always think it’s just another day but then as the days pass, getting closer and closer to the 10^th July I find myself on a downward spiral and start doing strange things.

I started digging around at old memories picking at old wounds – I won’t give details here as this is a public blog but suffice it to say it was not helpful or healing.

So what to write on this 13^th Anniversary. At the moment I’m in a dark place. But that is OK – I have to be transparent here as that was the point of this blog when I set it up. However, this time I reached out to my support network of parents who have all lost their beautiful children and boy did they come through for me. No judgement – just understanding and empathy. They heard me.

I am wise enough to know this is another ‘cleansing’ phase, picking at the old wound will, in this case, promote healing. It’s like going into the loft and throwing away all the crap you put up there because you thought you might need it one day. It’s painful raking through boxes of memories but then when it’s done you feel better.

I was digging through files on the computer and came across the eulogy I delivered at Toby’s funeral. I must have read it 100 times so I could read it at the funeral without crying. People probably thought I was cold hearted as I didn’t wear black and danced around to the Friends theme tune which we played at the end. I made jokes, but I still wouldn’t change what I did. I wanted to sum him up – so if anyone wants to know more about my sensitive, intelligent, fiercely determined, stubborn and reserved son – please read.

The other songs were Beautiful Boy – John Lennon, It’s a Mother f***er The Eels (chosen by his friends) and Good Riddance (I hope you had the time of your life) Green Day

Here it is……

What can you say about a 23 year old young man who died? That he loved computer games, Magic the gathering, House, Pizza, his friends and me.

He was one of a kind, a one off, unique.  He didn’t follow the crowd and he chose his friends carefully. He had a good soul and when it counted it shone through. He could drive me to distraction by sleeping til 3 pm and leaving a trail of dirty dishes and clothes through the house, but what I would give today to pick up his dirty clothes off the floor.

He was so intelligent and could debate all manner of subjects til the cows came home. Sometimes he dispensed such wisdom to me it was astonishing.

Everyone said he had so much potential and some may say he wasted his life but how can a life filled with so much love ever be a waste.

I bought him a computer when he was 3 and he was more or less glued to a computer screen for most of his short life.  Sometimes I beat myself up because I thought I should have banned it when if affected his studies but it was the only activity that made him really happy and he had a whole world of cyber friends.

In the last 3 years he made many real friends and these friends gave him much happiness over the last 3 years of his life and I thank them with all my heart for loving my beautiful son and giving him companionship and friendship. Don’t mourn him but remember all the times you laughed together.

I also want to thank my family, especially Michael, Sue, Paul, David and Matt who gave him so much love, help and support throughout his life.

He will never marry and have a child, go on an exotic holiday, grow old or get a mortgage but who dictates that that is a tragedy.

He lived life on his terms and left this life on his terms. He was Toby and he was loved and touched many lives and will live on in all our hearts ‘for infinity and beyond’ as Buzz Lightyear would say

We went to see Toy Story about 6 weeks in a row when it first came out.  When he was little we read a book called ‘ I’ll always love you ‘ about a little boy and his dog called Elfie.  It made me bawl and from that day on we always told each other IALY at each parting.

We watched Friends together for 8 years and laughed and laughed. We fought, we hugged, we argued, we talked. I tried to be mother, father, counsellor, mentor, friend and protector.  I could not protect him from the harsh world out there and in the end he chose his own destiny. To think I worried about him smoking!

I loved him more than I can ever express in words but he knows how much. I was a cool Mum and I hope he was proud of me. He wasn’t very good at sending Mother’s day cards but when he did send a card he always told me how much he appreciated how much I loved and supported him.

Toby I will miss your voice, your smile, your giggle, your presence and your wisdom and who is going to help me now with my computer problems.

I will never see you again but you will be by my side every day and I will talk to you all the time forever. I am still a mother.

Toby had his own style and I can picture him in his check shirt, orange shoes and his bag slung across his chest.

I always embarrassed him and he thought I wasn’t proud of him but he was so wrong.

I am the proudest mother in the world of you my special son Toby. I gave you life and you saved mine and gave me a reason for living. Even now you are not physically present you give me a reason to value life even more now and your legacy will live on.

I’ll always love you my beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful boy. I hope you had the time of your life!