Sometimes I feel really pissed off with you

Hi Toby,


Sometimes I feel really pissed off with you. Pissed off that you left me, you didn’t tell me how bad it was, you didn’t give me a chance to help you and you left me with a life sentence of pain.

But the anger is fleeting, you died from an illness, I wouldn’t be pissed off with you if you died from cancer would I?

It is five years ago today since a policeman knocked on my door, it was 10pm and I was watching the highlights of the British Grand Prix. That’s why I can’t watch it now. Continue reading

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A daily battle

HUGEvery day I face a battle. The battle is between what’s going on in my head and my inner critic sitting on my shoulder heckling me and kicking me in the guts, telling me I’m useless and difficult. Most days I win; I go to bed feeling victorious. Some days I lose and go to bed feeling defeated.

I know I have the control button, I can choose the outcome, but some days I don’t have the strength to fight. I don’t have anyone at home to put their arms round me and say ‘there, there it will be OK’.

It is at these times I miss Toby the most. Even though most of the time he didn’t answer my phone calls, if I really needed him he was always there and spoke such wisdom to me.

So when I feel defeated like I did yesterday, I come home and talk to his picture and think ‘What would Toby say?’ Continue reading

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The biggest obstacles we have to climb over are in our minds

IMG_1180I am a great believer in the power of The Universe to bring us what we need when we need it. Most of the epic things in my life began with a chance encounter, a coincidence or a whisper of an idea that planted a seed in my mind, which germinated, started sprouting shoots and flourished into the most beautiful bloom.

I met a friend for coffee and she dropped into the conversation that she was a bit bored and fancied a challenge. She told me that she had done a charity trek with Husky Dogs in Lapland and casually suggested that maybe we could do a challenge together. Now I have to add here that I am not sporty, I am not super fit and I am not known for my adventurous spirit. However, I am open minded so I checked out the website for the company she mentioned ‘Global Adventure challenges’ and a few days later a brochure dropped into my mailbox.

I love walking and leafing through the brochure of challenges that looked totally out of my league, I spotted a Sahara Desert trek of 5 days and the date shouted out at me, the 18th – 23rd Feb 2016, as the 20th Feb 2016 happened to be my 60th birthday. So the seed was planted. I then realised that this company helps people raise money for charity, so now there were two hooks, I could do something epic to celebrate my 60 years on the planet and raise funds for PAPYRUS a charity very close to my heart since I lost my son Toby to suicide. Now my seed was germinating.

I ummed and aahed, I procrastinated, I talked myself out of it, then I just decided to do it. It was made more important when my friend who suggested the idea had to pull out as she was diagnosed with cancer. All the more reason to grab life with both hands. Continue reading

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Soon I’ll be 60 years old

Soon I’ll be 60 years old

4 marriages, one at 17, one for a green card, one for a baby and one mistake.

2 children conceived, one lived to 23, the other one didn’t make it out of the womb.

20 plus jobs, a few boyfriends, lots of shopping, lots of mistakes, no regrets.

Bossy, bolshy, feisty, got most of that from my Mum. Continue reading

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Am I still a mother?

Scan 5 (2)There’s a Facebook thing doing the rounds at the moment asking Mums to post pictures that show they are happy/proud to be a mother and then that person has to nominate three of her friends to do the same.

This kind of thing stabs me in the gut, same as when I am with people who all get their phones out and start sharing pictures of their children and grandchildren. I don’t mind them doing this but as a Mum who has lost her child it is just another reminder of my pain and what I have lost. I would imagine that some women who cannot have children may feel similar emotions. I don’t know I’m just guessing. Continue reading

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Happy Birthday Toby

Toby photo 2Dear Toby,

Today is your 28th birthday, but to me you are forever frozen at 23. You lived for approximately 86,000 days and I cherished every one. Just recently I realised that it was all the ordinary days I miss so much and I wish I had known how special they were. The other day I drove past a man taking his son to school, they were walking along hand in hand and I looked at them and cried, wondering how many days I walked you to school and held your hand and didn’t realise that I should have cherished every moment.

Continue reading

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Facing Christmas without a loved one, ten top tips

Toby Christmas day 2010

I first posted this blog when I was facing my first Christmas without Toby. I still think it is good advice so republish it every year.

It starts around the beginning of November, maybe earlier. It is the same each year and there is no escape. Christmas ads on the TV, decorations being put up in the shops and houses lit up like Blackpool illuminations. Everyone asks each other ‘What are you doing for Christmas this year?’

This question can cause feelings of panic and desperation for someone who has lost a loved one in the last year, or lost a relationship that was important to them. Continue reading

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