There’s a Facebook thing doing the rounds at the moment asking Mums to post pictures that show they are happy/proud to be a mother and then that person has to nominate three of her friends to do the same.
This kind of thing stabs me in the gut, same as when I am with people who all get their phones out and start sharing pictures of their children and grandchildren. I don’t mind them doing this but as a Mum who has lost her child it is just another reminder of my pain and what I have lost. I would imagine that some women who cannot have children may feel similar emotions. I don’t know I’m just guessing.
So anyway this Facebook thing made me think. First I thought ‘I bet no one will nominate me’. Then I asked myself ‘am I still a mother’? I don’t have any other children and also can I still feel proud to be a mother and proud of Toby even though he killed himself.
The answer to all of these questions of course is ‘yes’, but it doesn’t come easily, I have to search for the ‘yes’.
‘Yes’, I am and always will be Toby’s Mum. (or Mom as he used to call me as he was born in the USA). And ‘yes’ I am proud of him, I am proud of him even though he failed and struggled, because he is my son and I now realise he was probably struggling with depression since his early teens. And ‘yes’ I am proud of myself for caring for him and supporting him as best I could and for rebuilding my life in his memory.
So I nominated myself and here are the three pictures I posted.