Sometimes I feel really pissed off with you

Hi Toby,

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Sometimes I feel really pissed off with you. Pissed off that you left me, you didn’t tell me how bad it was, you didn’t give me a chance to help you and you left me with a life sentence of pain.

But the anger is fleeting, you died from an illness, I wouldn’t be pissed off with you if you died from cancer would I?

It is five years ago today since a policeman knocked on my door, it was 10pm and I was watching the highlights of the British Grand Prix. That’s why I can’t watch it now.

I still don’t really know why you left me. I can understand being in so much pain you just want it to stop, I’ve been to that dark place many times since you left but I can’t imagine following through. You must have wanted to go, to find peace and I hope you have.

I never dreamed this would be my life, there is no label for a parent who has lost a child other than ‘bereaved’ and I am bereft.

Elfie keeps me going, I still believe you sent her to me, every time it gets so bad I look at her and can’t imagine leaving her. I have built a good life, found a new normal and learned to live in the moment, valuing life in a way I never did ‘before’.

I went through a period of desperately looking for answers, I searched through all your belongings that were returned looking for a note or a letter. Then I wrote you letters and then the answer came to me. You didn’t leave a note because there is no explanation.

I believe you loved me but you had to go, your time on earth was up but if you were here today you would tell me to stop crying and live my life to the full.

So my beautiful boy, I will treasure all the happy memories and recall your voice in my head. My biggest worry is that I will forget what you sounded like, I have no videos, but all I have to do is close my eyes and you’re there.

You’re always with me, I talk to you everyday, I hope you can hear me. I’ll always love you and cherish the 23 years you were with me.

Lots of love,

Mom

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3 Responses to Sometimes I feel really pissed off with you

  1. So beautiful Anne. It made me cry. I am with you both in thought all day today. Henrietta xx

  2. I do understand…I lost my only child (Helene) to suicide…June 4th of this year…only a few weeks ago… I keep searching the web… Odile Crenshaw

  3. Tasheni Monk says:

    So so touching so painfully written yet so true. I lost my 19 year old daughter and what you have described here touches every part what I feel and how much I still love my girl. Stay well Anne. Your letter made me feel someone somewhere knows how I feel. Thank you Anne. Toby and Natie my daughter are both at peace and resting and they would want us like you said to live a fulfilled life.
    Kind regards
    Always

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