Ten years…..

Waking up every day with an ache so deep in my soul I want to wail like a wounded animal

Ten years without hearing your voice, your laugh, your Toby wisdom, your infectious laugh

Ten years without hearing ‘I’ll always love you’, ‘mother you’re so retarded’ or ‘Welcome to Orange answerphone’

Ten years of wearing a mask, pretending I’m fine but living half alive

Ten years not seeing how your life turned out, not meeting your girlfriend (or boyfriend..), lending you money to buy a house, comforting you when you had a broken heart, going to your wedding, holding your first-born child  

Ten years knowing I’ll never hear your child saying ‘I love you grandma’..

Ten years of feeling I let you down, I failed you as a mother, of feeling I wasn’t up to the job

Ten years of not being sure whether I could even call myself a mother

Ten years of striving to find meaning from your death, yearning to make a difference so you didn’t die in vain

Ten years of memories and every precious happy moment from the past being tinged with sadness

Ten years of no one to share them with

Ten years of aching to hear your voice, give you a hug; I’d do a deal with the devil to have just five minutes with you

Ten years of guilt, regret, heartbreak, emptiness, ten years of love with nowhere to go

Ten years of not caring much about anything apart from dogs

Ten years of wondering how I will get through another day, putting on a brave face, wondering how I survive

Ten years without a Mother’s Day card or birthday card (although you didn’t always send me one when you were here…)

Ten years of standing by your gravestone every July and December, talking to your tree

Ten years of not seeing you at Christmas, not buying you a present or wishing you happy new year

Ten years since I looked into your eyes and told you how much I love you

Ten years living with a gaping hole in my heart and soul