Losing a child to Suicide

Well I decided I should start blogging regularly. Why? I am in a reflective mood and feel  I have something to share and if nothing else it may help me to write about what is going on as it is all rather overwhelming.

Where do I start? Well I could begin by saying that in 2011 I have had a life-long dream come true, shortly followed by the worst nightmare you could possibly imagine. It is too mind boggling to process.

In April this year I moved from London to Cornwall which has been a dream of mine for years. I can’t emphasise enough how huge this was for me. I was happier than I ever thought possible. I kept pinching myself because I couldn’t believe it had happened. I had handed in my notice at work and was longing for the day when I didn’t have to manage stressful IT projects which I was finding more and more soul destroying. Finally I was to have the life of my dreams, living in Cornwall with a fulfilling job and a little dog to take for walks on the beach – bliss. I had to move with my 81 year old Dad as I had been living with him for 5 years since Mum died, but he was all for it, looking forward to seeing out his life by the sea and the house we bought had a lovely sea view.

My only child, my son Toby who was 23 had been living with us for the past year, and we gave him the option to come with us but all his friends were in Cambridge where he had attended University so he went to lodge with a friend and I said I would pay his rent for 6 months until he found a job and could stand on his own two feet. I felt this was a chance for him to finally be independent and make a life of his own.

But then it all came crashing down and I still can’t quite take it in. On Sunday July 10^th a young policeman knocked on my door at precisely 10 p.m. I know the time as a movie ‘Marley and Me’ had just finished and I was watching the highlights of the British Grand Prix. It was just like a scene from a TV programme where they tell you to sit down and in that moment you know your life will never be the same again. He told me that my beautiful 23 year old son was dead, and in the next sentence he added that he had taken his own life.

I didn’t fall to the floor in hysterics as I would have thought. I just immediately went into shock and had to go and tell my Dad upstairs who thought I was so upset because of the end of Marley and Me, where the dog dies. I was pacing up and down muttering and putting the kettle on just in shock. But not once did I scream or cry or break down and I kept commenting on the fact. I kept asking this young policeman why I wasn’t on the floor sobbing.

The next 3 weeks I just got on with seeing my son’s body, meeting his friends, arranging his funeral, having an endoscopy, going to the dentist, having the chimney swept, driving from Cornwall to Cambridge and back again twice. How did I do that?.

I bought a puppy as I was so scared that if I didn’t have anything to live for when I got back that I would just walk out into the sea and end it all. It is the ultimate irony that suicide can cause suicidal thoughts for the loved ones left behind, where there never had been any before.

Then on August 2^nd I took my Dad for a routine check up and was told in the hospital waiting room that he had a tumour in his bladder and that it was cancerous. This can’t be happening I thought but it was. So now it is December 7^th and Dad is gone too and I am all alone. Dad died on November 19^th, I had to go to my son’s inquest on November 25^th and hear how he had been found in a field with a bag over his head, then arrange my Dad’s funeral.

So that is all behind me but what does it mean for me now. How do I process all this and get on with my life. Some days it is all just too huge and I feel scared. Other days I just get up, take the dog out, have lunch and go about my day and feel numb, devoid of any emotion. I am scared that if I let the emotion in it will devour me and there will be nothing left.

Everyone keeps telling me how brave I am, how amazing I am, how strong I am? Am I? I just think I get up every day and breath in and out until it is time to go to bed. What other option do I have?

So this blog will chart my journey into the unknown. How does a 55 year old woman, alone with no parents, no children, no partner rebuild her life and find meaning and purpose out of loss and tragedy. Watch this space.

Over the years I can’t tell you how many times I have told friends, acquaintances and anyone who will listen about my dream to live in Cornwall. I can’t tell you how many times people have said ‘Oh well that’s all very well but you’ll hate it in the winter’.

So this was part of my experiment, to find out if I would like to be here in the Winter. Well I can tell you I love being here in Winter, in some ways more than I do in summer.

This weekend just proved to me how much I can be in love with being here in December. Cornwall is like a lover who always surprises me, just when I start to take it for granted it grabs me by the hand and takes me on a magical journey.

This weekend I was expecting snow and instead I was walking on the beach on Saturday, shedding my gloves and hat because it was so warm. I walked along a practically deserted beach, knowing that only locals are out walking their dogs and enjoying the sun. When you live here you look out of the window and if the sun is shining, you don a warm coat, a hat, scarf and gloves, pack a flask of coffee in your backpack and you go out.

I was sitting on a rock looking at St Michael’s Mount bathed in sun and watching a small flock of Greenshanks probing in the mud with their bills and thinking how happy I was. Then a small black bird with a russet rump and tail caught my eye and I spent ages watching it flutter about through my binoculars. Now I am a bit of a twitcher so I knew this was not a common bird so I took note of all its features.

I walked the length of the beach and then walked up to Marazion town and had half a Guiness and a sandwich at the Fire Engine Inn, looking out of the window at the Mount. When I got home I looked in my bird book and found the bird I had been looking at was a Black Redstart – quite a rare bird but one that quite often winters in Cornwall. What a wise bird. I can’t tell you how excited I was not only to have spotted a rare bird but to have identified it myself.

On Saturday evening I joined the throng of people all heading to Mousehole harbour to see the switch on of the famous Christmas Lights. We sang carols, drank hot punch and ate fish and chips and mince pies. A real family affair. then I caught the bus home and walked the rest of the way home.

After my experience on Saturday I headed out again Sunday as I had bought a new camera and wanted to try it out. I went to Godrevy and took pictures of the lighthouse and tried out my new zoom lens on some seals (there is a large seal colony at Godrevy). I was standing on the hill and saw two lovers embracing on the beach below, it was such a lovely sight I snapped a picture using my new zoom lens. Don’t worry about privacy – you can only see their backs.

It was freezing so I headed back to Penzance and on the journey the sun came out and so I stopped at Marazion again and sat on the beach and watched the sun go down. I saw a small flock of Sanderling and snapped some pictures.

Then I crossed the road and looked over the wall at the Marazion Marshes nature reserve and there was a Kingfisher in the reeds, just sitting there posing for me. I was amazed as this is such a striking bird and you usually only see an electric blue streak as they fly by. So I grabbed my camera from the car and managed to get a few shots using my zoom.

I love my new Camera and I love Cornwall in the Winter. The end of a perfect weekend, so full of love for the sea, sun and nature. I am always amazed at how much I feel filled with love for The Universe when I am out by the sea watching the birds.

I am such a material girl, and love my clothes, shoes, bags and my flash car, but none of these things have given me as much pleasure as sitting on the beach watching the birds which doesn’t cost a thing. I must listen to this and let it guide me on my path from now on.

Oh and as a postscript – when I got home Sunday and looked at my pictures of the Sanderling, there in one of the shots was sitting the Black Redstart that I saw the day before. I hadn’t even noticed he was there when I snapped the picture – it was as if he was saying – here I am, make sure you get me in the picture as a reminder – Wow.

It started off raining and raining… I slept in, went to the Library and had lunch in my favourite cafe. Then about 2 pm the sun came out. I know this part of the world so well, but today I discovered a place I hadn’t been before and it was magical. When I was with Philip we always recapped our weekends on Monday morning in an email to each other and recounted our ‘Magic Moments’. I had so many magic moments this afternoon, an ordinary day suddenly became amazing. I went to Godrevy of ‘To the Lighthouse’ fame. I parked my car in the National Trust car park and started walking. The coastline is stunning, and it was bright and brezzy. I saw a kestrel hovering and ‘surfing’ in the wind about 6 foot away and I watched him through my binoculars. I could see his feathers bristling in the wind as he hovered and soared, every now and again dipping down, only to soar up again. I watched him for ages. Then as I rounded the headland, there is was, The Lighthouse. I have a painting of it on my wall. I walked and climbed up round the end of the headland. I saw a Wheatear sitting on the fence, posing for me so I had plenty of time to look at the pretty little thing with my bins. There were a coulple of guys kayaking round the coast and I followed them round. As I got up to the top of the cliff I saw the guys in Kayaks and swimming round them were about 4 seals. So I watched the seals, swimming and bobbing up and down, playing round the kayaks. As I was watching I saw a huge flock of Oystercatchers fly past. SO distinctive – black and white with brigh red beaks. I watched the seals for a long time, then I wandered back and I saw the Wheatear again, the kestrels and rabbits running around. I was in love with the day, in love with Cornwall. It reignited my love affair and what started as an ordinary rainy day turned into a day I will remember for years. That is why I am here. I have been feeling really sick and miserable about my job, missing Philip, worrying. I needed a break and I needed to fall in love – and today watching the sea and the birds and seals was a feeling of being in love with nature and with life.

I really do feel I am living in another country. Cornwall has a very different feeling to London and I am on a voyage of discovery.

Little things delight me – like yesterday when I took an hour break at lunchtime and decided to go out and have lunch at the little Museum cafe that is just across the street from where I live. It is Penlee House Museum and there is a lovely park and gardens and they have a great little cafe with wonderful sandwiches and salads. I stopped at my local shop round the corner and bought my copy of The Cornishman newspaper and sat outside and eat my sandwich in the sunshine. You hear the seagulls here night and day and I am getting used to the sound.

This is what my experience is all about, just enjoying the simple pleasures of living here. Yes I could go to a cafe anywhere and read the paper, but just being HERE feels so special to me personally.

On the way back I walked a different route and discovered the Library. I felt so proud brandishing my council tax bill that proves I am now officially a Cornish resident. I registered in 3 minutes, chose 2 books and then found they had a super efficient hi tech check out system where you just put your books in a ‘hole’ feed in your card and it prints you out a receipt to tell you when you have to bring them back. I was really impressed. I know I haven’t been in a library for a while but I found this amazing.

I got a book that is actually set in Penzance. There is a reading group at the library too which I can join.

I am really settled in here now, I have bed, sofa and TV and am loving every minute of living alone, having long bubble baths with the radio blaring, and exploring.

After work yesterday I was driving to take all my cardboard to the recycling centre, (despite the hi tech library there is no recycling collection), when it dawned on me I could just drive on to Marazion and walk on the beach and have a half of Cornish ale in the pub looking out at St Michael’s Mount, so that is exactly what I did.

I feel so free, Freedom was my big thing and here I am free – for now, so I am going to savour every single nanosecond!!!!!

What a fantastic day. Suzy came to visit and I met Charlie her lovely son.

Wow – what serendipity. My Life Coach and friend Suzy Greaves just happened to be staying in Cornwall and we met up in Penzance today and she and Charlie came to see my little haven.

What an amazing day, to have the person who made all this happen come to visit.

Seeing Suzy and her lovely bouncing bundle of energy Charlie made me realise how far I have come. I too was a single Mum and I survived. Charlie reminded me very much of my son Toby, and I realised how much I have achieved. He may not be perfect, but I was there for him, I gave him a home and stability and now he is getting on with his life while I am living my dream.

My Dad and Toby have been incredibly supportive, and even my ex was gracious enough to be happy for me. This is such an experience, I know if is only Cornwall but it is epic in my life.

I went for a fantastic walk on Sunday, I walked 8 miles and then went to sit on the beach. Yesterday I went to Mousehole on the bus to see the Mousehole male voice choir and it was lovely.

Today I met Suzy and then came home and cooked lamb chops and a courgette that I picked up in a field on Sunday and it was the best courgette I have ever tasted.

Today was a great day……. here are the pictures to record the moment. I am very happy today.

I have only ‘lived’ here six days and already I am expecting too much of myself. I had to drive back to London on thursday eve for a day’s training in London on Friday.

It wasn’t too bad, I left at 16:10 and was home by 21:10, but I didn’t even stop for a wee. Not good!

So far so good, I got up Friday and got train to London and who should get on and sit next to me but my ex. It wasn’t his normal train so I figured it happened for a reason. I was quite civil to him and was heartened by the fact that he still had on a scruffy old Primark polo shirt and old jeans and his old black Reebok trainers that I hated and thought were only fit for the garage or the garden. He has gone back to his old scruffy dresss code so I doubt he has a new woman and I woudln’t care if he did.

I was going through a script in my head ‘Do I tell him I am living in Cornwall?’ Shortly before we got to Oxford Circus where we go different ways I just blurted out ‘I am living in Cornwall most of the time now’. He seemed genuinely pleased for me and was actually very nice and supportive. I don’t feel love for him or animosity. He will never change but I am living my dream woo hoooo!!!!

I went out to dinner with friends last night and then got up at the crack of dawn today to drive back here. I am exhausted and felt frustrated that I couldn’t summon up the energy to go to the beach. But then I reminded myself this is only day 6, I have been through a huge change and the idea is to relax and enjoy it even if I am just hanging out here in my little haven.

I am planning to do an 8 mile walk tomorrow with the ramblers. I should be OK if I have a long sleep tonight.

Here is a picture of my snails and the view from my kitchen  window,

Off to sleep zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Woke up in bliss today – my new mattress is heaven after a night on the floor. It is so quiet here, all I can hear is seagulls.

It started drizzly today and as I looked out of the kitchen window I saw 2 snails on my slate window sill outside. I thought I would name them Scilly and Truro. They looked so sweet, I gave them s few leaves from my bag of salad and when I looked out a while later they had eaten them all up.

I have set my desk up near my front door which is all glass, so I can sit and look out onto the little patio/yard. It gets the sun all day and comes round in the evening so my little seat gets the last of the evening sun.

I discovered the charity shops in Penzance and got a map of Cornwall for my wall, a clock and a Buddha and an oven glove – all for six quid…

I finished work at 5 again and went for a walk along the sea front and stopped for a glass of wine at the Jubilee pool cafe. There is an open air sea water swimming pool here called Jubilee Pool and it has been here since 1910. I remember swimming in it when I was a child (no -not in 1910!!!). My mission is to go down there and have a swim one day soon!

I can really see myself living here, but it is early days. I must make sure I get out and meet people as I am happy alone, but could end up a nuttly old recluse.

Oh dear – camping was meant to be fun, but when you air bed keeps going down and you end up on the floor it is not fun when your back is aching and you just want to sleep.

I went for a lovely walk yesterday evening with the Penwith Ramblers. They were really friendly, there were men and we went to the pub afterwards, how great. Day 1 and I am already mingling with the locals.

I got back exhausted and then had the worst night ever on my so called air bed…

Today I was waiting for my new mattress and it finally turned up at 4 p.m. and I had to lug it up the stairs to my bedroom myself and the big hunky man said he wasn’t allowed to help me ‘elf and safety’ – I despair. I had a bit of a poor me all alone moment and I lay on the floor and wept, but then I realised that wasn’t going to help get the thing up the stairs so I got up and gave it one last heave and I finally managed it. This is what I do – I cry and then I pick myself up and get on with it.

So I am typing this lying in my new bed and it feels like heaven.

After the mattress turned up I shut down the laptop and went for a walk up to town and down to the sea and had several more ‘pinch me I must be dreaming moments’. I’m not sure how I made this happen but I did and now I am suddenly living the life i have dreamed of for years.

I stood on the Abbey steps and looked over to St Michael’s Mount and somehow it feels different now. I live here, I have an address and keys. I am a Cornwall resident – WOW

I have no TV and thought I would watch ‘Who do you think you are on iPlayer, but is seems my mobile broadband is not fast enough. All this technology is not quite there yet. Tried it on the iPad as well and it froze.

Oh well, I didn’t want to watch TV anyway so thought i’d do my blog and then have a wonderful sleep on my new mattress – bliss.

I really can’t believe this is true. If I died tonight I would die truly happy. This feels so ‘right’ I keep pinching myself. I can’t tell you how perfect my new little home is.

I set off at 5.15 this morning and arrived in bright sunshine. I got to the Estate Agent’s and the contract wasn’t quite ready so I went off to have a coffee in town. It feels so different now I can think ‘this is my neighbourhood, my home, I live here now I am not just a tourist’.

I am looking for the places I will shop and have coffee, I am so happy I just can’t believe it.

I finally got the keys and this was the moment I have been waiting for for years. To have a set of keys for ‘my place’ in Cornwall. This really is a dream come true for me and I can’t believe I find a way to make it happen.

Even if I live here a month and go bankrupt it will have been worth it. I can’t put into words how much I love this little place. It is tucked away in a corner, with a little outside space and communal gardens full of tropical plants. There is a pond and a cat, and it is quiet and secluded.

The place is beautiful, all brand new with a little kitchen overlooking the garden and a living room with wood floor overlooking my little sunny courtyard. I can sit out there every morning and have my coffee before I go for a walk along the seafront.

I can get on the net using my mobile broadband and get BT connected next week. I am ‘camping’ at the moment but get my mattress tomorrow and my sofa next week.

I am ‘nesting’ and loving every minute. There is a walk this evening I am joining and it starts just down the road from where I live, how perfect it all is. It is a fantastic hot sunny day.

Let’s see if I feel the same in November when it is raining!!

I’m walking on air, on cloud nine, in heaven – in Cornwall.